Why Your To-Do List Is Killing Your Self-Esteem

If you’re anything like me, you love making to-do lists. Who doesn’t love that little hit of dopamine in the brain you get when you check off a simple task and move on to the next? Laundry? Nailed it. Sending that email? Boom. You’re basically a wizard.

But all too often, maybe you feel like what you accomplish in a day is never enough. Or if you have an especially long list, you feel paralyzed and overwhelmed. Maybe you grab your phone and fall down the Wikipedia hole or become a Trumpnews-watching zombie. All of a sudden, your quest to become a productive badass becomes an exercise in self-flagellation. “What went wrong?” you might ask. “I had such a great list!?!”

I work as a therapist in the increasingly-anxious city of Washington, DC, and some might say that it’s the to-do list capital of the world. My clients tend to be anxious overachievers who feel stuck or unhappy, even though many have high-powered careers. Many admit that the most impressive resume doesn’t always generate a sense of self-worth.

“So how do you build up self-worth?” I ask them.

This is usually when a client usually gives me this look that says, Isn’t that what I’m paying you to tell me? Or they actually say that out loud.

A lot of people come to therapy looking for one magic answer. The tiny mental loophole that will help you feel motivated to accomplish ALL THE THINGS. And sure, motivation feels great. But we’ll never be motivated 365 days a year, and certainly not when we’re anxious or experiencing a low mood. Discipline is a much more useful mindset, and it has more of an impact on self-esteem than you might think.

While positive thinking is great, I don’t think you build a foundation of self-worth by repeating mantras or meditating about how great you are. Affirmations are more about maintenance than the actual construction of a solid sense of self. This is because actions speak louder than words. I can say out loud that I’m interesting, and smart, and a good friend. But what if I did interesting things, engaged my brain, and spent time with people who were important to me? Even better.

So how do you build up self-worth? Simple. By doing things that are worthy.

To improve your self-worth, you have to ask yourself, “What’s worth doing?” every single day. People with self-worth direct themselves towards values and interests. There’s a huge difference between, “Here are things I should do,” and, “Here are actions worthy of my attention.”

Don’t believe me? Let’s look at the thought, I should or must do all of these things. This thinking typically is powered by the expectations of others and society, which leads to self-comparison. We know that people who self-compare are likely to have lower self-esteem. So the best intentions can lead to self-criticism up if you don’t finish tasks. And the fear of not finishing or not doing something well is enough to make us distract ourselves and procrastinate. You have set yourself up to fail, and now you feel terrible about it. Fantastic.

Consider an alternative thought: Here are some actions worthy of my time and attention. Rather than focusing on external expectations, this thought pulls from your own interests and values to generate tasks. It can provide a variety of avenues and ideas for getting started and gaining momentum. It also eliminates distractions that prove to be a time-suck, like mindless Internet surfing or habitual email checking, because they are not deemed to be worthy.

So let’s take a look at two different to-do lists. The first is an anxious one, and the second is a thoughtful one.

List #1 — Today I MUST:

· Finish work project

· Call friend back

· Go to the gym

· mail package

· brainstorm ideas before meeting

List #2 — A worthy day today looks like:

· moving my body

· staying connected with friends

· dedicating time to work projects

· generating ideas and being creative

Focusing on priorities and values when it comes to your time is much more useful. Maybe this imaginary person would end up doing the exact same tasks with either list, but in the second example, they are guiding the list. They aren’t being dragged along kicking and screaming. They can connect what they’re doing with what’s important to them, and that gives them a stronger sense of self.

When we identity our values, we’re less likely to look to others to self-compare because we have a stronger internal metric. We can say, “Hey, I get to decide what’s worthy of my time and attention because I value myself and the time that I have on this planet.” BOOM. Self-worth.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a to-do list. Sometimes it’s helpful to organize tasks quickly and stay on target. But if you value your mental health, make a worth-list too. You could get up in the morning and remind yourself that only you get to decide what makes a life worth living. A person who believes this truth is kinder to themselves and less likely to look back later and life and say, “Where did all my time go?”

So what’s worthy of your time and attention today?

You tell me.