Taking Up Space: The anxiety of being annoying

Want to know the most common fear that women express in therapy? Here’s what it looks like:

I’m worried that I’m annoying to my friends.

Maybe everyone is just humoring me.

I don’t want to be a burden to other people.

I don’t have anything interesting to say. What if I’m boring?

Because of these fears, so many women end up living out a very scripted form of “realness.”

We find ourselves searching for that Goldilocks amount of vulnerability. But being “strategically vulnerable” is an oxymoron. It’s like trying to play a television character who is perfectly and adorably messy. It comes off as fake, we make ourselves anxious, and we still don’t know whether people will accept our genuine selves. In short, it’s exhausting as hell.

So here’s an idea. . .what if we all just start taking up space?

What if we got REAL COMFY and stopped trying to predict or manage other people? What if we acted like we deserved to be in our friendships? At our jobs? In the world? Like we were entitled to create, to exist, to not have everything figured out? And perhaps to have conversations without being flawlessly entertaining? WHAT A CONCEPT.

In Bowen theory, there’s the idea that there are two parts to our self: the pseudo self and the basic self. Our pseudo self is the piece of us that performs. It’s the actor, the chameleon. It wants us to fit in, to be liked, and to do anything to achieve this. Our basic self is who we are at our core: what we value, what we believe, and what’s intrinsically interesting. The idea is that the more I present my basic self to the world, the less anxious I’ll be. But if all my energy is going into pseudo self, I’m trying to predict what people want and act accordingly. And what an exhausting and anxious game that is.

So when I’m taking up space, I’m choosing to act as my most authentic and basic self. And you know what? A brilliant thing happens when we take up space. People sometimes welcome us. We give them a chance to say, “Oh God, me too. ME FREAKING TOO.”

I do, however, think it’s important to realize that vulnerability looks different for different people, depending on their culture, personality, etc. And I also understand that people face different challenges and backlash for authenticity based on their identities. In short, I understand that it may be easier for me to practice taking up space as a white, straight woman, so I have to think about how I make room for other people with different identities to do the same. In short, welcome and encourage my neighbors.

To Take up Space, Practice:

· speaking up when you don’t want to do something

· being honest when you’re struggling

· asking for help or insight

· explaining when you just want someone to listen

· boldly telling people you value them and want to see them

· sharing stories about mistakes, rejection, and failure

· saying what you want

· asking for what you’re worth

· talking about what genuinely excites you

You don’t have to report your life to people like it’s your resume or the highlight reel of a game. Tell the truth when people ask how you’re doing. It sounds so simple, but taking up space often deeply reroutes some of our programming. It is a daily challenge, but carries daily rewards.

So my challenge to you this week is to take up space this week. Will it generate immediate anxiety? Heck yes! Will it lower anxiety in the long term? Absolutely. So look for opportunities to present your authentic self to the world this week. Give people a chance to say, “Me too.”

What spaces would you like to occupy this week? Make a list of relationships and places where you can be more authentic.