A therapist explains why we worry too much about annoying our friends. — People bring a lot of fears to therapy. One of the most common ones I hear from young adults is a fear of annoying their friends. People worry about seeming too eager when making new friends or too overwhelming when they talk with old ones. They worry about: Texting too…

A therapist explains how to think differently about your relationship challenges. — Humans are cause-and-effect thinkers. We like to point at one person, or a group of people, and say, “Here is the problem.” But our relationship systems are much more complex than that. …

A therapist explains how to build a stronger sense of self — As humans, we often use our relationships to manage anxiety. We borrow confidence, calmness, or reassurance from our family, friends, or even strangers on the Internet. And we are quick to lend them back when others are distressed. There’s nothing wrong with supporting each other, but too much reliance on…

A therapist explains how we waste energy worrying about people’s reactions — When people feel like they’ve stalled on their goals, they tend to blame it on a couple of things. A lack of willpower. The need for habit formation. Unrealistic societal expectations that lead to burnout. As a therapist, let me suggest a different possibility: your relationships. As a human, you…

A therapist explains the value of working on maturity. — Maturity is an unsexy word. It sounds like a high-fiber cereal you’d rather not eat for breakfast. No one picks it as their theme for the year. We want to be calm, strong, or confident as quickly as possible. But maturity is all about the long game. As a therapist…

A therapist explains how to be curious about a new year. — The Internet loves to debate whether New Year’s resolutions are useful or an unhealthy product of our culture. As a therapist, I ask people a different question: How does anxiety influence your resolution-making? When you are reacting rather than responding to your challenges and interests, anxiety is at the helm…

How to worry less about what people think of you — Humans spend a great deal of energy trying not to annoy each other. Maybe you don’t ask the boss an important question when she’s grumpy. Or you wait to text a date back so you don’t seem desperate. And yes, we’ve all deleted those extra exclamation marks from an email…

How to rely more on yourself to stay calm — Humans are social creatures. We use our relationships to survive, thrive, and calm down as quickly as possible. When I ask my therapy clients how they manage anxiety, they usually don’t talk about the relationships patterns that they activate in times of distress. But paying attention to these behaviors can…

A therapist explains the power of focusing on your own maturity — When anxiety is high, the more we fixate on the behaviors of others. Maybe you try to teach your partner to dress better, or lecture your father on how to be a better listener. You’re more likely to be embarrassed by your children’s bad behavior or frustrated with a colleague’s…